In Mourning
by Katianna
Summary: Perhaps this is the profound silence one hears when one survives such an attack. Or perhaps it has more to do with your still form in my arms.


In mourning

By Katianna

Pre-exam angst, manifesting itself in the usual way. Deathfic. I've seen quite a few of these post-death reminiscing type fics, most of them very well written, but I think this one has been overlooked. Apologies if it has been written already and I've just missed it.

There's an unearthly quiet, or maybe it's the white noise in my ears blocking out all the sound, but it's somehow appropriate. After all the shouting and the short percussive blasts, the quiet is peaceful. Perhaps this is the profound silence one hears when one survives such an attack. Or perhaps it has more to do with your still form in my arms.

My hand moves to your neck again, and your wrist. Just to be sure. Just in case. I feel like perhaps I should be crying, as Jesse is there in the corner, slumped on the floor. But I can only sit here, rocking you ever so slightly. I don't know who's benefit the rocking is for, not yours certainly, but somehow it feels like the right thing to do. Coherent thought is beyond me for now.

Emma was sick outside. Maybe she felt you go. I should ask her. Maybe that breeze I felt on my forehead was you kissing me goodbye. Or maybe it was the wind through the broken windowpane. I often wondered at my beliefs, or rather the beliefs of those around me. The people who believed in the 'greater good' or God, one or many take your pick. I had no beliefs. God is as much a fairy tale as the tooth fairy when you grow up alone. Beliefs are taught, or sought out. You're not born with them. I found you. I believed in you. And you taught me to believe in myself.

Should I still believe now that you're gone?

I can't cry. It's a strange ailment. But the noose I feel tightening around my neck prevents it. My skin feels too tight for my body - I feel as if I might break open at any minute. My seams burst, my essence gushes out. Perhaps that would be better than crying. A freedom beyond simple emotion.

But I cannot. My seams hold. I continue rocking.

I don't remember getting home. Jesse's still crying and Emma hasn't said a word. Brennan must have got us home. We're in no state. I can hear him moving about next door. He hasn't let it take him yet, and he won't. Not until he's sure we're all OK. He's saving it for an appropriate time. That's Brennan for you. He's angry. I can see it in the tenseness around his eyes as he looks around the door to check on me. But we don't know what to do. We weren't ready. We're not ready to continue without you. We're prepared of course. You always made sure of that. Going so far as to take yourself out of the loop from time to time so we were forced to rely on each other and ourselves rather than falling back on you. But we're not ready.

Brennan's starting to break. I can see it happening. He's stood outside Jesse's room, checking on him as he had me, but he's been stood there for ten minutes now. Just watching. He's biting on his lip so head I can see the blood welling around his teeth. He lifts his hand to his mouth, seemingly surprised to find the metallic red liquid there. He glances up and sees me watching. He shrugs. Nothing to worry about - his eyes plead for forgiveness - nothing to worry about.

We'll sleep together tonight. Short passionate lovemaking. We both need to release it will bring. Maybe after I will be able to cry for you. Maybe after...

I still can't cry for you. It feels like something I should apologise for. I left Brennan sleeping. He needs all the peace he can find. He cried last night, I held him and it did nothing but make me feel worse for what I lacked. I came to talk to you because you were always the person I talked to about these things. Love and loss. You would always have some clichéd sentiment to offer and I would fume about it and only understand later. You have nothing to offer me now. You lay silent.

I'm cold. Deadly cold. The cliché tickles me now and I think to laugh but the noose is too tight. I think maybe I'm choking on the tightness. I claw at the rope to find that it's imaginary, I feel my nails scrape my skin and wince at the contact. The pain feels like relief. Something to do. I need action, but with the noose around my neck I feel tied down.

I sit by the steps of the dojo. I don't have the energy to move, I feel drained. The peace is calming, the trickle of water down the waterfalls.

Emma appears in the doorway. She walks slowly as if weighted, her head is down but I know she's coming over here. I wonder if I want to talk to her. The peace has become another twist in the noose. I'm not sure I can talk anymore. She sits beside me, quiet and still. I find myself yearning to hear her voice. She hasn't spoken since we found you. Maybe her laugh, her smile could make this all better, show us all the light. I find myself watching her closely. She says nothing. No laugh, no smile. I sigh. She looks up suddenly, as if I'd said something in that quiet sound.

"Do you think he's proud?" The question was not one I expected. Emma had never been a child under your care; there was little you could teach her so she was rarely your student. Were you proud?

"Maybe he will be," My voice was hoarse, the noose still tight. "If we can keep up what he was aiming for. If we can keep his children safe. That's all we can do now."

"We have to make sure he stays proud of us." It was Jesse's voice, from across the hall, ringing clear now the tears had passed. "We can't give up now."

"Now more than ever we have to lead. We have to show the others what there is out there for us." Brennan stood tall in the doorway. A glance and we were all together, stood tall and together. We were still strong. And though I found tears falling as I stood there, safe in the arms of my friends I knew we would win through for you. For your pride. My tears fell for you, and I cried. But even in that small action I felt the restriction of the noose fall from my neck and release me.

Many hours would pass before I knew it, but in truth we all knew in our hearts.

We would lead and be lead.

Though our leader was gone.

Mutant X stands tall.

Mutant X Lives.

Goodbye Adam.


End file.
